I killed my sister.

She saved me, and all of us, by jumping in my place.

It should have been me. It was my fault. I'm the stupid key! If it wasn't for me, none of this would have happened. And now she is dead, because of me.

Everyone here hates me. Especially Giles. He wishes it was me that was dead. Every time he looks at me, I can see it in his eyes. I took Buffy from him. I took Buffy from them all. I know this. Yes, it should have been me.

We buried her in secret last night. We had to. She was the Slayer, and since Faith is in jail, there will be no one to take her place. Giles insisted on the secrecy, and Willow suggested that she should get the Buffybot fixed so that it could patrol, then no one would know. Giles started to tear up then, and left the magic box.

No one said much at her grave. What could they say? No one would look at me. I couldn't even cry while they put her in the ground. It should have been me in that grave, and I know that. They all think that. They wouldn't even look at me. We buried Buffy in silence. Giles knelt down, and kissed her tombstone, then slowly got up and left. Then Willow and Tara each placed a stone on the ground at the foot of Buffy's grave. They never stopped holding hands...and then they backed up to wait for me. Xander and Anya each put a daisy beside Willow and Tara's stones, then they too left, hand in hand. I just stood there, frozen. Then I started to cry, and I couldn't stop. I fell to my knees on her grave, and I cried about how sorry I was. Finally Willow and Tara pulled me up and dragged me away.

That left Spike, alone at Buffy's grave. He just stood there, as if guarding her, still and quiet.

Willow and Tara took me home to their place. I went right to bed, and cried myself to sleep. They tried to console me, but I wanted to be alone.

Writing here in this diary has always helped me before...before now. I've read back over my entries, and that has made me cry all the harder. I never wrote how much I loved my sister, how I admired her, how big a hero she was to me and to us all. And now she is dead, because of me.

It should have been me.

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