Spike flicked off the television and snuck outside to smoke. Buffy wouldn't let him smoke in the house. It was still late afternoon, but the sun was on the other side of the house, and the porch was covered. He leaned against the wall next to the doorframe and exhaled, forming little smoke rings into the air.

Some things in life were just not meant to be. Vampires could not be in direct sunlight, true fantasies did not come to pass, and a Slayer could not unconditionally love a vampire. Spike knew this, but he still struggled with it all within his heart and mind.

He had heard Buffy return from where ever she had been. He had been watching Passions in the living room. Buffy had entered from the side door, walked down the hallway and entered her bedroom which took her directly past the living room where he was, yet she didn't pause to say hello, or even peek her head in. Buffy had moved on, and shut him out. He knew he was not alone in this feeling of rejection and coldness from her. They all felt it. He heard the talk and the whispers from the others. But that didn't make it hurt less.

The bleached vampire knew he had done unspeakable and unforgivable things in his past. And he also knew he had made choices before and after regaining his soul that would be questionable. Yet, Buffy had not killed him, or sent him away. In fact, she had even shown her faith in him by helping him remove the chip. True, he had a soul by that time, but she had still trusted him enough to perform the procedure despite the wishes of her friends and Watcher. He was thankful to her for that. Yet, he now knew it was time to move on with his life. Once this latest crisis was over, he would.

Immediately after his latest "death", he had found himself restored in LA at Wolfram and Hart. He had struggled at first to find his path there, and his purpose. In truth of fact, he still didn't know what his purpose was, or why he was back. But he couldn't stay in LA, immersed as he was in his past with Angel. He wasn't happy there. Hell, he hadn't been truly happy in a very long time. Probably since Drusilla left him for the last time. Even when he had been with Buffy, it hadn't been about happiness or purpose. It had been about pain, and passion, and darkness. She had needed him, because he was the only one that could understand what she was going through and feeling, and because he was there. Her Watcher had abandoned her, like a ponce. And the rest of her friends were too lost themselves to help her. So he had tried, in his way, but what at first had been devotion and strength and understanding had turned into selfishness, and jealousy, and need. It wasn't healthy for either of them. He shook himself as he remembered that fateful night in Buffy's bathroom. He hadn't been himself then. And he didn't have a soul then either. But…neither Buffy nor himself had ever truly gotten past that night, and perhaps they shouldn't. It wasn't that that fateful night should define their entire relationship, but it definitely covered them like a fine shadow of mist.

Spike decided there was nothing he could do for Buffy anymore. She had to find in herself whatever it was she needed to be happy, and feel complete and at peace. He had done all he could, and he had failed. But you cannot help someone if they didn't or wouldn't help themselves along the way. It was time that soulful Spike helped himself.

He finished the last of his cigarette and flicked it on the porch so he could crush it with the heavy and black heel of his boot. As he ground it down, he heard the porch door squeak open. He turned and saw Allison in the door. "Care for some company?" She asked softly. He smiled at her, bent down to retrieve the butt, and placed it in his pocket for disposal later. There was no way he would face the wrath of any Scooby by littering on their porch.

"Sure, but I'm warning you ahead of time, it's nothing but dark thoughts out here. Where's your friend?"

Allison stepped out and went and sat in the porch. "Carolee? She went to lie down for a bit. Giles said we will not get much sleep tonight, if any, so we should rest now while we have the chance."

Spike smiled and quirked his eyebrows at her with a questioning glance. She could see that was his way of asking to join her on the swing, so she scooted over a bit to grant him access with a smile.

He sat down beside her, and they slowly swung the bench gently back and forth. "That's probably wise for you mortals. Why didn't you heed his advice?"

Allison shrugged and followed his gaze out into the back lawn. It was a nice Oregon afternoon, and Xander had freshly mowed the lawn that morning. It smelled like spring. "I'm used to a lack of sleep, and didn't feel like I could close my eyes now if I tried."

"So I didn't keep you up too late with the cards then?" He had turned his gaze on her in a teasing manner, tilting the corners of his mouth up in a smile. She giggled softly. "No, and it was fun."

"I enjoyed myself too. This daft group here doesn't know what it's like to have fun anymore."

"They do seem the dour bunch." Allison agreed. "It makes me sad. They used to be so full of life and humor, but I guess the past years have been hard on them. They've suffered a lot, lost a lot." Spike had again looked forward out into the backyard. He nodded but didn't say anything. Allison touched his hand that rested between them on the bench, where he had gripped the end of the chair. "You have too."

He lowered his gaze to where her hand softly rested on his. She was comforting, and did he ever need someone to just comfort him, and understand him. He swallowed the pain in his throat that crept there like a hot ball of bile. "Thanks, pet."

They stayed that way for a bit, swinging softly in the afternoon, gazing out at the lawn, her hand resting gently on his. Eventually he loosed his grip on the chair, turned his hand around, and held her hand in return. They needed no words, for the touch was comfort enough. They continued to swing until the sun had lowered itself even more, and shadows peppered the lawn.

Inside, voices began to ring, cutting their peaceful silence on the porch. "Pizza is here!" They heard Xander yell down the hall. It was time to eat an early supper before heading out to the beach.

Spike gave her hand a light squeeze before releasing it. "Thank you. I think this is just what I needed today." He helped her up from the swing. She smiled her thanks, and he held the porch door open for her as she entered the house. Allison gave him a nod and a smile as she slipped into the guest room to wake Carolee up for dinner. Pizza was not one of her favorite things, but she knew they both needed to eat in order to keep up their strength for whatever there was to come. No matter what, she knew it would be a good night, because this afternoon Spike had touched her heart even more.

Carolee was still rubbing the sleep out of her eyes as they entered the kitchen a bit later. "Wow, smells like garlic in here." The two girls began to fill their plates with pieces of pizza and joined the others standing around the table. Dawn, Willow, and Cordy and Buffy were sitting, but the rest just stood leaning against the kitchen counter inhaling their various favorite kind of pizza.

Spike glowered in the corner. "Did you have to get the extra garlic sauce, Xander?"

Xander just grinned at him. "Of course. It's the best."

Carolee hesitated before taking a huge bite out of her piece of pepperoni. "What is it about garlic and vampires anyway?" Giles opened his mouth to answer, but was interrupted by Spike. "Garlic thins the blood, and it leaves an awful aftertaste!"

"So it doesn't kill or hurt you then?" Allison asked Spike.

This time Giles rushed to answer, as if he felt the need to impress the new members of the gang. "It works as a deterrent."

Spike glared at the older man. "It tastes bloody awful, and since it thins the blood, why bother? But if I still wanted to kill you, garlic or no, I would." He held his gaze with Giles a moment longer before Giles relented and broke the stare, taking a huge bite out of his own piece of pizza. Carolee leaned against the counter beside him, as if choosing sides. He smiled at her in between bites. The rest of the meal was held forth by Cordy talking about their shopping trip, occasionally interrupted by Buffy or Dawn asking various fashion questions. Giles just hoped all the shopping talk would be done with once they started on the road.

It was going to be a long night. He feared the world was doomed.

Chapter 9