* * *

How can you see into my eyes like open doors
leading you down into my core
where I’ve become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become
now that I know what I’m without
you can't just leave me
breathe into me and make me real
bring me to life
(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

Artist: Evanescence
Album: Bring Me To Life
Title: Bring Me To Life

* * *

There was only the chill, darkness, and noise.

She was chilled to the bone, her teeth rattling, and appendages screaming with the cold. The darkness was all enveloping, total, and thick. She didn't know if her eyes were opened or closed. It was oppressing and complete in its wrath. But it was the sounds that were the worst.

The noise was deafening, and unidentifiable. Carolee tried to fight the terror those sounds conjured within her, but it was useless. Her cries and screams were lost in the roar. Her body cocooned within itself, as she rolled into a tight ball, her knees up by her head, her arms wrapped around her ears in an attempt to shut out the roaring. She rocked back and forth on the cold ground, crying and lost and so alone. Time was unaccountable; whether it was minutes, hours, or days, she did not know. All she knew was the darkness and the noise.

Deep within her mind, she found a door. She crawled across the cold ground, pulled herself up by the door handle and fought and struggled to turn the knob. Beads of sweat were pouring down her forehead, until finally the knob turned in her hand and she could open that door. She slammed it shut behind her, and finally closed out the noise. Her crying stopped, her body wracked for a time in silent sobs, until she was finally reduced to a slow rocking back and forth motion, then a shiver, and then she was still.

Slowly she opened the eye inside her mind and looked around the room she had created for herself. Soft sunlight poured into the room from a picture window. The warm rays fell onto a soft scuffed brown leather lounger chair. The chair looked comforting and inviting. She curled herself into it, having finally found some peace, and slept.

Her dreams were jumbled and troubled. A slideshow played across a screen. She recalled a book she had read once, about life after death. In this book, claims were made that once you died, you traveled through a tunnel, and on the walls of the tunnel, you saw your life play by play as if on a giant movie screen. You felt the intensity of emotions related to every single one of your actions upon yourself, and inflicted on others. Her dreams now were just like that. Perhaps she was dead? She didn’t know.

Mostly she saw faces. Her family, her parents and sisters, grandparents, uncles, and aunts. She saw her friends, her colleagues, and even her pets. Allison was there, with her elfin grin and a twinkle in her eye. Carolee’s heart ached for her friend. Then she saw the faces of her new acquaintances, the group that she had hoped to call friends, and perhaps one day, even a kind of family. Xander, his dark curls ruffled in a breeze, his sarcastic grin, and his one eye that saw more then many people ever saw with both of their eyes. Willow, the red haired witch with the big heart and gentle soul. Buffy, the Slayer, looking proud and strong with a crossbow in her grip, but small and lonely when not caught in the midst of battle. Spike was there too, wearing his trademark black leather jacket, red shirt, and killer grin. He was “bad“, and he knew it. It was a cocky smile, but ardent as well. Dawn, Buffy’s younger sister, was just beginning to find herself, just as all teenagers struggle with the maturation process. Carolee could see that Dawn would be a great lady some day. And then, finally, she saw Giles. His comforting face was one of strength, and loyalty, and selflessness. He could shut himself off of emotion verbally, but his pain always shone through his eyes and tight smile. Carolee yearned to wipe the worry from his brow, but when she reached up to caress his face, the slide show stopped, and then dissolved into nothingness.

She curled back up into a ball, still on the leather chair. She hoped that Giles didn’t blame himself for what had occurred. There was no way it was his fault, yet he always managed to take on the guilt of every bad situation. Things had gone awry, as they often did when fighting off the apocalypse. You’d think he’d be used to the unpredictable by now. One could never be totally prepared for every situation in the heat of battle.

And if Giles was feeling guilty or remorse, Carolee knew he had nothing on her best friend, Allison. Again, it was no ones fault. Carolee had willingly jumped into the cold ocean. Someone had to try and get to Dawn, and everyone else was occupied. Allison had saved Willow, and Buffy, Spike, and Giles were all fighting off the various demon creatures. Carolee was the one that had to act. It was her choice, and she could rest easy knowing that if given the same situation over again, she would have made the same exact choice. There is one thing she would have changed, however. She would have been sure to tell those she loved how she felt. Her family, and her friends. They all filled her heart and had given her strength. She ached now missing them. She hoped Allison had escaped unscathed, but knew in her heart that all was well. How could it not be? The sky had sealed her up in this dark, loud place, and she had left the world she knew, but in doing so, that world had remained intact.

Carolee wondered if she should attempt to open the door and try to discover exactly where she was. She didn’t think she was dead. Could death be so lonely and dark and deafening? Would she have to spend an eternity here?

She gathered her strength, smiled a bit as she thought of Willow’s “resolve face,” and stood. Slowly she made her way to the door. Tentatively she placed her hand on the doorknob. It was ice cold. She took a deep breath, exhaled it slowly, and then opened the door a crack. The darkness flooded in, and her mind was shrouded in voiceless screams. Quickly she slammed the door shut, tears streaming down her face in frustration and pain and loneliness. She ran and jumped back into the chair, cowering and hiding her face in her hands. There was no way she was ever leaving this room again.

After she was cried out again, the teachings of Master Lee, her TaeKwonDo instructor, came to mind. What kind of student was she, sitting here crying, out of control, weak? Master Lee would be shamed, Giles would lose any kind of faith in her, Buffy would smirk, and Allison would pity her. She had to figure this out. Carolee knew she wasn’t dead. She felt too alive and too afraid to be dead. She just existed in a different dimension.

At the conclusion of each class, Master Lee had them all recite the Five Tenets of TaeKwonDo, and now Carolee muttered them under her breath: Courtesy, Integrity, Perseverance, Self-control, Indomitable Spirit. You could apply them to any situation, and Carolee found solace in them now. She mustn’t lose control, or all would be lost. She had to be persistent in keeping sane, and staying focused. Her spirit had always been strong, and it would help see her through now.

Another favorite saying of Master Lee’s was “Without patience, you cannot be a winner.” If ever that saying was true, it was now. She had to remain calm, and think things through. She knew the Scoobies would be researching and trying everything in their disposal to find her and get her back. And Allison would make sure they were relentless. She should have thought of that earlier and not let the panic and fear take over. Carolee knew that Giles and Buffy and the gang had been through things like this before. She recalled Fred, and how Angel had traveled through a portal to Pylea to rescue her and Cordelia. They could rescue her as well. She just had to be patient and wait the darkness out. She was safe here in this room she had built in her mind.

Master Lee’s words were a comfort to her now. Meditation was the key to remaining patient and strong. “Do your best with what you have, and let God do the rest.”

She didn’t know about God right now, but she had faith in her friends. She’d manage as best she could, being patient and strong. They’d come for her. She believed it. She would not become undone. Her breathing slowed as she deeply exhaled, and then inhaled, lost in the words of her training.

Chapter 12