Giles hung the phone up, and then slowly raised himself up from the kitchen table, the chair pushed back into the middle of the room. He didn't even notice it. He took his glasses off, and with the palm of his right hand he pressed his weary eyelids, rubbing the prickling nerve endings. He sighed heavily, rubbed the lens of his glasses with the bottom of his green sweatshirt, and then replaced them on his nose. Then he took two paces to his left to stand in front of his kitchen sink. He looked out the window into his foggy backyard. The sun was just starting to peek over the rooftops. He hardly noticed.

Andrew's trip to LA had been successful. Dana was now on her way to the new Watcher's Council headquarters. She was a rogue slayer of the worst kind, mentally and physically tortured as a small child, institutionalized until the spell awakening her slayer powers overcame her. She had escaped from her hospital room, leaving a wake of bodies along the way. Angel and his people had helped capture her, and now Andrew and the other slayers with him were bringing her back to Europe to try and help her. Giles was afraid, after hearing the things Andrew had described, that Dana was perhaps too far gone to be helped. But if Faith could change, perhaps this Dana could find redemption as well. However, Faith could never claim mental incapacity. Giles had informed Andrew to convey to the new Council that the best doctors in neurology, psychiatry, and medicine be assigned on Dana's case.

It wasn't until the end of the conversation that Andrew told him the news in secret. He first had to swear that he would never reveal the news to Buffy. Giles had no idea what he was promising to until it was too late. Andrew had told him that Spike was alive, and helping Angel in LA. Spike had made Andrew promise to not tell Buffy. Andrew figured that didn't include not telling Giles, so he had squealed his delight. Giles, on the other end of the phone line, was not so delighted.

He had so many mixed emotions churning within him over this knowledge. First, and foremost, he didn't think this was something he should keep from Buffy. They all had held so many secrets and truths from each other over the years. He wanted all of that to be behind them, especially after receiving Buffy's last letter. But that was the crux, right there. If he did tell her, what would the news of Spike's return mean to her?

He again removed his glasses, setting them on the side of the counter, and after turning on the faucet, he washed his hands and face under the cool water. After a few moments, he quickly turned off the faucet, and grabbed the dishtowel hanging under the sink, and deftly mopped his brow and face dry.

His movements were resolved. He knew he had to tell her. He couldn't care less about keeping the secret because of Spike's desires, or Andrew's. Andrew would be kept safe. He would have nothing to fear for repercussions. But if Giles really wanted to start fresh with Buffy, he knew he had to tell her. If her feelings were that strong for Spike, and she wanted to be with him, well, it wouldn't be any different then what Giles had went through his whole life. He just wanted Buffy to be happy, even if it was at the expense of his own happiness. He couldn't be with her, he wouldn't really be loving her, if he kept this knowledge to himself. And if she really wanted to be with Spike, then he wouldn't want her anyway. Not like that. Not because of a lie, or pity. He only wanted her with him if that is where she truly wanted to be.

He checked his watch. It would be hours yet before he should try and phone her. His stomach was in knots just thinking about it. He knew Andrew would be passing on his news of Dana to her. But Giles really wanted to talk to her before Andrew, just in case the boy ended up spilling it all out. Perhaps he should go for a morning run, then come back, shower, and make the call.

So much for waiting for her next letter, he thought. It had been almost two weeks anyway. Perhaps she had changed her mind?

Giles stepped forward to head to his bedroom to change into running clothes, and smacked his knee into the chair he had left in the middle of the room. "Bloody Hell!" he swore, picked up the chair, and threw it across the room. It hit the wall in front of his stove, and broke into pieces onto the kitchen floor. He rubbed his knee, and looked at the chair. It was as broken as his heart would soon be.

The morning was still and quiet as he pounded the pavement with his running shoes. He did his best to meditate, and clear his mind. Many years of active duty as a Watcher, as well as the training in his youth helped him to focus on the meditating, and soon he found his rhythm. Running helped him mentally as well as physically.

He was very surprised when he concluded his run and found the mailman depositing mail into his mailbox. It wasn't even noon yet! The mail never came this early. The postman gave a small wave from his mail truck as he pulled away and drove down the street to grace other mailboxes with letters and bills. Giles paused before the box, his breath slowing and relaxing after the vigorous exercise. Finally, he slowly pulled down the lid. There was only one letter today. And it was a pink envelope, so thick it was bulging from the seams. It was another letter from Buffy.

Giles tentatively picked up the envelope, shut the lid on the mailbox, and turned to walk into the house. He went right to the refrigerator and grabbed a bottle of water, downing almost all of it in one motion, never letting go of the letter in his left hand. When the bottle was empty, he took another bottle out of the fridge, and then walked out his patio doors and sat in his lawn chair in the shade. He placed the bottled water on the side table to savor as needed, and then he opened the letter.

"Dear Giles,

Dawn just left for school, so today I write this letter to you from the confines of my bedroom. I didn't want to be distracted by the Italian sun, or get caught up with people watching, or be interrupted by friendly greetings. I just want to concentrate on the words, and the feelings I need to convey to you.

I do love it here. Did I mention that last time? The people are friendly, but not in an oppressive way. The weather has been spectacular, but not as glaring as the California sun can be. And I haven't had to bring my stake out even once! I'm sure the destruction of the First, and the multitude of slayers have helped to rapidly decrease the numbers of demons and vampires that were always a constant in my life before. But instead of trying to rationalize it all, I'm just going to enjoy the vacation from it all for now. I've earned it. Heck, I've earned it with my life twice now. So? Now, instead of focusing on the darkness, I want to focus on the light.

Being the slayer, I couldn't really focus on the joy of life before. I tried, oh did I try. But everything I touched seemed to either turn to dust, or cloak me in it's hardening shell. Even cheerleading and homecoming and the prom couldn't be teenage moments for me.

Please know this isn't a pity party I'm having here. I'm just trying to explain why I have acted the way I have, why I became the thing I was. Because I was a thing. I was exactly what Quentin Travers said I was. I was a tool. Buffy Summers was gone, and the Slayer took over.

I had powers, strength, and resilience and courage, and all of that, but really, Giles, those are all words for hardness. I became those things, and my heart was lost. Being a slayer turned me into stone. I shut down. First, when Angel left, then, when I became lost and confused after high school. I suppose that happens to all people in that transition time, but then Riley left me, and then my mom died...So you see, Giles, I taught myself not to care or to love anyone, because I knew I would lose them.

In the beginning, I did love Angel, in a teenybopper, first love, fairy tale kind of way. But it wasn't meant to be. I never loved Riley, although I cared for him. It just wasn't in me. Then there way my mom, the last of my normal life. When she died, the love in me completely shriveled up and died. I think I told you then, that to slay, to kill, you have to be hard inside. To be the Slayer, means being too hard to love at all. But that's not really true either, because I did still love. I just suppressed it, pushed it all deep down inside of me. But it never left me. My love for you especially, never left.

Then, everything with Spike happened. Please know, Giles, that I never loved him. He brought out that darkness and hardness in me. I was more of a stone with him then with anyone. I was a tool, a thing. I was completely lost. So lost, I didn't realize that others I cared about were lost too, like Dawn, and Willow, and you.

You saved us all when Willow went freaky. I hadn't even noticed how bad it all was until it was too late. Then, you came back in my life, and the love came pouring out.

But you left again. And that's my fault. I realize that now. Because I never told you, I never showed you, how much I loved you. I wonder now, if I had broke through my barriers and shown my love for you, would things be different now? I think they would.

Last year was the worst. I knew I had pushed you away, probably forever. Then Spike goes and gets his soul, and I felt obligated to him. He got that soul because of me. I never asked him to do it, but he did. I was confused all over again. I had finally made an internal decision that I wasn't going to be with anyone, since I couldn't be with you. Then Spike came back. It was a mess. And I felt I had to protect him, because again, it was all my fault.

I never wanted to push you even further away. That made me so angry, that I pushed everyone away. I made bad decisions. It wasn't until I was truly on my own, pushed out of my own house, that I had a wake up call.

I couldn't do it alone. I never could. So together, we all defeated the First.

None of us can be truly alone, Giles. We all need someone. But, it's not just that we need someone, its that we need the one in our heart and soul that make us complete. Angel never made me complete. In truth, we hardly knew one another. How can you know someone when you can only see them in the cloak of night? And Riley, I never let him really know me. And as I said before, Spike only knew the darkness in my soul. He didn't know all of me. The only person that knows all of me, my scars, my fears, my tears, my struggles, and my joys…that person is you. You know me completely. And you always were there for me, even when I wasn't there for you.

Are you still?

I know you have isolated yourself from everyone, as we all have. We've all ran away from the pain of the past, healing in our own ways. I have healed here, with Dawn. Xander seems to be having the adventure he always craved there in Africa. I felt so bad for him with his road trip fiasco after high school, so it warms my heart to know he is finding himself now. And he needs to heal after losing Anya.

And Willow seems to be coping with Kennedy. What she sees in that girl…well, it's not my place to judge. But she seems to be coming along well too, and that's all that matters.

But what about you? Wood and Faith have told me that they have repeatedly asked for you to come to Cleveland and stay with them. But you refuse. I also know the newly forming Council wouldn't be what it is without you, yet you stay away from them as well, only advising from a distance. You always assist everyone when needed, and you still fight the good fight, but you are alone. I hope you are healing?

I know my letters are just the first step. I made the first step here, big guy. How often does that happen? Willow always called you the "Emotional Marathon Man," but you have had nothing on me, I know this. But we've always been a team, and I think we belong together.

Come to Rome? Come be with me and Dawnie? Not for a visit, but to stay? You can do all you need to do for the new Watcher's Council from here.

I can come there if you need, but I can't stay there. This is my home now, and Dawn is so well adjusted and happy, I can't uproot her now. I can't be selfish like that, even if it means being with you. But if you could come here, we could start afresh, together. What do you say?

I'll wait for your answer.

Buffy

P.S. Andrew just called. He said you wanted him to go to LA to help track down a slayer in need. I have instructed him to bring her to the Council, and not let her stay with Angel. I still can't believe he runs that law firm now. I can't trust that. It's not that I don't trust him, necessarily, but I think he is as lost now as I am without you."

Giles folded the letter and held it tightly in his grip. The afternoon sun burned down, obliterating his shade. When the sun began to fall behind the rooftops, gracing the yard with evening shade, he was still sitting there, lost in his thoughts.

Chapter 3