Giles' fingers shook as he tentatively reached into his mailbox to retrieve the letter. He knew it was from her as soon as he opened the box. It had been months since he saw the pink colored envelope in with the various bills and Watcher correspondence that usually filled his mailbox. But today, one had come. It was a letter from Buffy.

His heartbeat quickened as he gathered the mail to his chest and hurried into his house. He immediately went into the kitchen, placed the mail on the table, and quickly made some tea. He needed its warmth and comfort.

Once he had a cup of tea in his hand, he sat at the table and first went through the pack, placing them in various categories. He put the bills in one stack, personal correspondence in another, and Watcher business in the third. Buffy's thick letter held a place to itself, in the center of the small, rectangular table. He saved her letter for last. He wanted to savor the jumble of feelings he now held. They consisted of expectation, fear, love, hope, and sadness. Which feelings would come to the forefront after opening the letter, he didn't know. They hadn't parted on the best of terms, he and Buffy. It broke his heart.

Since the demise of Sunnydale, he had only received one similarly pink colored envelope from Buffy. She had received a share of the now defunct Council's funds, and had left with Dawn on a European tour. Her one letter had stated that she had enrolled Dawn in a school in Rome, and they were planning on settling there for a while. He had immediately written back, encouraging her to relax and supporting her in any way he could. That had been months ago. But now he held a letter from her in his hands.

He carefully slid the letter opener under the seal, and peeled it back revealing the beige paper within. His eyes went wide in surprise at the numerous pages. He swallowed, his throat constricting. He had to take a sip of tea to settle his nerves. This obviously wouldn't be a quick note, as last time.

The pages shook in his grasp. He had to lay them down on the table, smoothing them down on the cold, wooden surface. Finally, he began to read.

"Dear Giles,

This letter has been a long time in coming, I know. But I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately. Rome has been good for me…for me and Dawn. I think I have finally found the perspective and peace of mind and heart to finally write everything down for you.

Prepare yourself. It's gonna be a doozy. If you don't have your tea handy, get it now. I have lots to say. The words I've been holding back for years are going to be spilled out on these pages.

As I sit here in the Italian sun, at a small table in an outdoor café, I am reminded of your porch at your Sunnydale apartment. You had said you liked to take your morning tea there. Now, I completely understand. Here, the breeze is quietly blowing, but not enough to disrupt my letter writing. My napkin flutters briefly, but is firmly held down by a glass of cold water. In the States, I'm sure the waitress would be gruff with me for sitting at her table, taking up space, just to sip at my ice water and write to you. I did have lunch previously, however, and they leave me alone for the most part. Here in Rome, the pace is much more relaxed. Dawn loves it too. She's at school right now, probably flirting with some cute Italian boy. I think she's already had about five crushes since her education here began. She doesn't miss Sunnydale, for sure. But then, for the most part, neither do I.

I don't miss California. I don't miss Sunnydale. I don't miss the Hellmouth, or my life back then. But, I do miss our old library and what we all had there. I do miss you.

I hate what you and I have become to each other. There was a time when we were tighter than Cordy's jeans. I've been struggling all summer and fall to figure out what happened between us, and why we are now so far apart, and not just in miles. I think I've finally figured it out. I am what came between us.

I have been angry with you for so long, and for no reason. You are the one that has always had reason to be disappointed and mad, but you never are. Even now, I bet you are not mad with me, even though you should be. I'm mad at myself though, and that's one of the reasons I'm writing to you now.

Shall I remind you of how wonderful you have been through the years? How you have supported me when you shouldn't have? Your words and actions have been constantly floating through my mind lately. Those memories are what finally prompted me to write this letter to you, because I need you back, Giles. Not as my Watcher, but as my friend. Maybe even as something more, if you'll let me. But now I'm getting ahead of myself.

The first quote that proves my point is what you said to me after my birthday, after Angelus came to be, because of me. I remember it almost word for word, you know. Sometimes you didn't think I listened to you, but I did. I always heard every word you said. That night you told me that I shouldn't feel guilty. I thought you would be so disappointed in me, but you weren't. You said you understood, that I loved Angel then, and he had loved me. You said to not look at you for guilt, but that I always would have your support and respect. That meant so much to me then. I want to believe you still feel that way.

You have every reason not to believe in me anymore, not to respect me anymore. But Giles, you have to try and understand why I pushed you away. Remember after high school when I came to you for help and Olivia was there? I had intruded on your personal life. That was the first time I realized that you had a life other than me. And you should, don't get me wrong. I was naïve and stupid, and seeing that woman in your shirt…well, it threw me. I think I was jealous, even then. I mean, I didn't see you in that way then, but it confused me. Then you told me you couldn't always be there for me anymore, and I had to learn to do things on my own.

That year was a bad year for us, and I won't rehash all of it here. But, then came the year of my mother's illness and death, Dawn as the key, and eventually, my second death. During all that, you were always there for me. I think we were closer than ever that year, until the end, when I threatened you if you were to hurt Dawn.

I want you to know that even then, I knew you were right. And if truth be told, if you had to do what you were thinking of doing, I'd have forgiven you. But I know you wouldn't have ever forgiven yourself. That is one of the reasons I did what I did, Giles. It was time for me to make a decision on my own, like you had taught me. It was the right decision. It saved the world, it saved Dawn, and it saved you. That's all that mattered. I wish I could have told you all that back then. But, well, as you know, I died.

Then I came back. But, Giles, I wasn't myself. You knew that. I had regressed to that little girl that leaned on you for everything again. I was taking advantage of you. No wonder you left. And after you left, I got worse. I wasn't myself. I had no feelings whatsoever. Darkness was my life, and after you left, I realized then that I loved you, and I let you slip away.

As the slayer, I just couldn't let anyone in, Giles. I always was so alone. Whenever I loved someone, they became a target. Or I lost them. And I'm not just talking about boyfriends, either. I lost my mom too. I just got so tired, and I couldn't do it anymore. Spike had said that he killed those two slayers because they wanted death. I think he was right.

After I came back, I was angry with everyone and everything. None of you can understand how awful it was to be back, because I know you were happy that I was back. I don't blame you. I'd be happy to have my mother back too.

I'm not trying to justify why I acted the way I did, or why I pushed you away for so long. I'm just trying to explain it all, I guess.

Wow, this letter is way long, and I'm not even half done telling you everything I want to tell you. But it's getting late, and Dawn will be out of school for the day soon. If I don't get this letter in the mail, however, I might chicken out and never finish it. So I'm going to mail this part now, and you should expect more to follow soon.

Please don't respond to any of this yet. I want you to wait and read all that I have to say first, okay?"

It was simply signed, "Buffy"

Giles read and re-read the letter several times. There were so many remarkable statements in it, that he could hardly contain himself. Tears were slowly crawling down his face, but he didn't care. For the first time, Buffy was letting him in. And she had said that she loved him. How did she love him, he wondered?

Again he read the letter, especially the line, "I was naïve and stupid, and seeing that woman in your shirt…well, it threw me. I think I was jealous, even then. I mean, I didn't see you in that way then, but it confused me."

Then. She said she didn't see him in that way THEN. Does that mean she did now?

Chapter 2