Title: Finding Myself In You
Spoilers: Dracula
Rated: What do you think? NC 17, of course.
Feedback: cleejh2002@yahoo.com or comment to LJ.
Disclaimers: ME and Joss are the creators of all characters and situations, blah, blah, blah…hey, you all know I am nothing without them. I just like to play with their characters for fun.
Written for the allthejellies Angstathon for Wicked Fox
Season: Season 5
3 Requests: Forgive me for being so specific. Some folks rather have a vague challenge, I prefer specifics.
1) End of the Dracula episode and Giles does actually tell Buffy he is leaving. She convinces him to stay. *wink, wink, nudge, nudge*.
2) Please have at least a little angst, I live for it.
3) Giles really uncomfortable with Buffy's pursuit of him.
1 Restriction: All is fair in love and war... and sex.
1 Thing you won’t write: Please challenge me to delve into the unknown, I thrive on challenge. Though my results may not be what you wished. *grin*

I was called in to write this as a back-up, and am thrilled and extremely nervous because I’m now writing for one of my favorite b/g authors, WickedFox!

Many thanks also go out to Marsterslady!

Now, on with the show…

Finding Myself In You

Giles prepared the tea and set out his best tray with the cookies he knew Buffy liked the most. He was more nervous than he could ever remember being, yet those feelings were jumbled along with more sadness than he had ever known. He had made his decision to leave Sunnydale, and with Willow’s help he had been preparing for this moment all summer. All his books were in order, scanned into the computer for their use. He had updated all his records and accounts. Now the most difficult task was upon him; to tell Buffy he was leaving.

He didn’t want to leave her. Yet he knew he was no longer needed here. Buffy no longer needed a Watcher. She did not answer to the Council anymore, and Giles was no longer technically a Watcher. He was now an unemployed librarian, floundering for a life of his own. He could never truly have the life he actually wanted, so it was time to leave.

The clock shown that he had about half an hour until her “fashionably late” arrival. He smiled just thinking about her, sinking into his chair and closing his eyes in quiet misery. It was all really just an excuse. He didn’t tell Willow the complete truth, because he didn’t want to tell himself the exact reason he was running. He knew that’s what it was too; he was running. He was running from Buffy, and his feelings. He was tired of being taken for granted, and loving her in vain. He was tired of her indifference when it came to his own heart. Giles couldn’t bear to see her with Riley, or Angel, or Parker, or any of those dolts. She deserved better. Not him, certainly not that. He wasn’t good enough for her either. Yet, if he stayed, he’d continue to hope and wish and dream. His heart couldn’t take that anymore. He was already becoming a shell of the man he used to be. He wasn’t liking himself very much anymore, and that was not a good thing.

Love shouldn’t make one feel less than they were. He knew that. True love made you want to crawl up a mountain top and shout with joy. True love was unconditional. He loved Buffy that way. He knew his love for her was true. It just wasn’t reciprocated. That made it all the more painful.

He was surprised that Willow had been able to keep his secret. He laughed at himself. Why had he told her? Because part of him knew she wasn’t good at keeping secrets, and he had hoped to not have to go through with this conversation now before him with Buffy. He’d rather fight a Vligrit Demon with it’s poisonous tusks then hurt Buffy. But then, perhaps she wouldn’t even care.

Deep down, he knew that wasn’t true. Buffy did care, even if she didn’t show it often. She’d be furious at him for leaving. She liked to have him near, but for what, he didn’t know. She had Riley now. She had the University now. She was a woman now, and God knows, Giles recognized that fact. She had surpassed the need for his tutelage and mentoring. He was proud, truth be told. That’s what every mentor strove for. However, his aching was not just an empty nest syndrome. It was much more than that. He tried to fight it. He lost himself in books, tried to escape by stretching his own mind, but inevitably it always wandered back to Buffy. As long as he was here, surrounded by her and all she loved, he would be distracted and an empty shell. He needed to move on. He needed to find himself again, instead of always being lost in Buffy, in vain.

What a sorry excuse for a man he wound up to be, he thought. He had never been a romantic fool. He was logical most of the time. He had to learn to shut his feelings off in order to survive in his calling as a Watcher. But when it came to Buffy, the rule book was thrown out the window. The worst part of it all was that he was now less of a man.

He remembered her last birthday. He had been wallowing then, and Ethan had taken advantage of that fact. Buffy had to come to his rescue. Giles had also learned, from Xander and Willow, that Buffy’s new beau was a member of the Initiative, the very group they had been trying to learn more about. Buffy had “forgotten” to tell him. How convenient. If he meant anything to her, as a Watcher or a friend, she would have told him. Riley had summed it up best when he called Giles retired. Giles looked around and realized he was an old man among a bunch of school kids. That night opened his eyes wide, and he hadn’t shut them since. Yes, it was time he left. He needed to shrug off this town like an old rain coat. He wasn’t that old, and it was time he started living again. He shouldn’t feel so tired and sad all of the time. Life was not meant to be lived in that state. He wouldn’t let Buffy or anyone else for that matter categorize him again. He was his own man. He had purpose. He knew he had talents that were being wasted here in Sunnydale.

Giles stood and stretched, the fatigue and the stress obvious on his face. He needed to be calm for her arrival. He also could not tell her of his thoughts. Cut to the chase man, he thought. “Buffy, you don’t need a Watcher anymore. I’m quite proud of you. Now let me live my own life. I know you’ll understand in time.” He grimaced at himself in the side mirror on the way to the kitchen. “Bloody awful.”

Buffy was enjoying the walk to Giles’s place. The summer was nearing an end, and soon she’d be back in classes. She was glad he had wanted to speak to her today, because she had things to discuss with him as well. The events with Dracula had greatly disturbed her. She realized that she had been neglectful of her Watcher, because she had done that purposely. It was too hard to be so near him, knowing she couldn’t ever have him. He loved her like a daughter, and she wanted so much more. So she had avoided him as much as possible. Now she realized that was a mistake. She needed her Watcher again. Dracula had awakened something in her that was dark and mysterious, and she needed Giles to help her figure it out.

Who was she kidding? She needed Giles, period. She had decided to just throw everything out on the table. Olivia seemed to no longer be an issue, and her and Riley were also growing apart. She was never going to be able to be close to anyone if she didn’t at least try with Giles first.

In the beginning she had been afraid that showing her true feelings to Giles would scare him off, or ruin their friendship and working relationship. But then she realized that ruination was already on the way. A wall was already forming between them. Remaining as things were would just make that wall grow thicker and taller. Revealing her feelings to him would either make that wall go up faster, or blow it away. Her stomach was in knots, but she knew it was time to cross the bridge and find either oblivion, or her dreams come true.

As per habit, she walked right in, not bothering to knock. “Hey, Giles.” He was in the kitchen pouring their tea. “Oh cookies! How come I rate the little cookie treatment?” She gave him a perplexed and nervous look.

“Well, uh…I have something to tell you.” Giles grabbed the tea pot and ushered her over to the sofa. As they sat he poured the tea.

Buffy was about to say that she had something to tell him as well, but then she glanced down at the cookie tray, and back up to his tight face. Something was wrong. “Okay. I’m listening.”

Giles gave her a small smile and handed her a cookie. This was going to be so hard. “Buffy, I…well, I’ve been thinking and though I’m loathe to cause you pain, I think it best if I leave Sunnydale.” There, he had said it. He grimaced and waited for her reaction.

Buffy was stunned silent, frozen in the moment with a cookie half way to her mouth. “What?” It was the only question falling out of her lips with a squeak.

He knew the explosion was yet to come. He knew it was all unexpected from her viewpoint, but honestly he didn’t know what else he could do for his own sanity.

“Buffy, I haven’t been your Watcher for awhile now, and you haven’t needed me for training or research. You have not come to me for help or guidance, or quite frankly, even as a friend.” He held up his hands to stop her from speaking. “I’m not upset. On the contrary, I’m quite proud of you. You are strong and resilient and intelligent You are every Watcher’s dream.” He smiled at her then, the love for her showing in his eyes.

“You are so wrong Giles. I do need you.” She threw her cookie down on the tray and took his hands into her own. “Yes, I haven’t been training with you, and yes, I haven’t been around a lot lately. But it’s not for the reasons you think…and you are proud of me?”

His eyes twinkled at her, and his heart almost stopped in his chest when she took his hands into her lap, caressing them with her fingertips. “I could not be more proud of you.”

Buffy smiled and gazed deeply into his eyes. She saw how tired he was. She also saw strong emotion coming unbidden in his eyes. That was new. He usually was so closed off from her. It was rare when they both expressed emotions to each other. Rare, yet precious moments.

“You can’t leave Giles. Not now. Not after what I have come to tell you.” Her hands tightened on his. His expression changed from pride to confusion. He knew that nothing she would say could change his mind, but he’d listen. “Go on.”

Buffy opened her mouth to speak, but the words would not come. How could she tell him all that she felt inside? She looked into his eyes and her heart melted. She lifted a hand and cupped his cheek. “Giles, the reason I’ve avoided you for so long now is because I thought that if I didn’t, I’d do this…” Her hand moved from his cheek to the back of his head. In moments, her soft lips grazed his. She closed her eyes as her mouth melted against his.

Giles, shocked and uncomfortable, stiffened. He felt her velvety lips brushing against his. For a moment, all thoughts flew from his mind. Then his eyes shot open and he placed his hands on Buffy’s shoulders to push her back and away from him. “Buffy, what are you doing?”

Buffy’s eyes opened, that dreamy look on her face fading fast. “What am I doing? Wasn’t it pretty obvious?”

Giles frowned, and then snatched his glasses off to polish them. Buffy snatched them out of his grip and threw them on the table next to the cookies. “Hey!” he groused at her.

“Hey yourself. You aren’t going to hide from this. I’m not hiding anymore, and I won’t let you.”

“Hide? What are you talking about, Buffy?” She had to just be playing him to get him to stay. It wasn’t possible that she cared about him. Not like that. Or was it?

Buffy stood up and started pacing in the living room. If she had to do it this way, she would, but she couldn’t look at him as she said the things she needed to say.

“Do you know when it happened? When I started to avoid you and…and…when I recognized that I had feelings for you?” She didn’t look at him nor did she let him answer. “That morning I came over and found Olivia in your shirt. That’s when it hit me. You are mine, and she shouldn’t be there. You came out in your robe, and you looked…god...so good. I said what I said because I was taken off guard. My love for you had flown up into my throat, and I could barely speak. Then, when you basically told me to get out of your life, I knew you didn’t feel that way about me. So, I did what you asked. I got out of your life as best I could. But, Giles, I couldn’t get you out of my heart, or my dreams.”

Tears began to flow down her face. Giles was stunned. Did she mean what she said? Had he pushed her away when she actually had feelings for him? Were the notions in his heart reciprocated? “You dream of me?” his voice whispered, hope showing in his eyes as he looked at her. He really saw her for the first time then. He saw her fears of rejection, her aching pain, her need to be held by him and only him.

“Yes Giles, I dream of you. Haven’t you been listening? I love you. Please, you can’t leave me. Not now. Not when I’ve finally found the courage to tell you what’s been in my heart now for so long.”

His heart thundered in his chest. With a shaking hand, he reached up and brushed the tears off of one of her cheeks. “Oh, Buffy…I…you…” He had no words. In a single motion, he wrapped his arms around her waist and crushed her body against his own, his mouth seeking refuge in hers.

It was a searching kiss. He was lost, but now found. She was finally complete for the first time. They found themselves in one another.

With lurching breath Giles broke the kiss. They were both panting and weak kneed. He took her hand in his larger one. “Come.” He led her to the kitchen and turned on the faucet, grabbing a towel and handing it to her so that she could wash her face. As he reached past her to grab a paper towel for himself, his arm brushed her shoulder. She turned and looked up at him, her eyes large and luminous. Her back was pressed against the counter as the curve of his arm slowly encircled her shoulders. Her face was now free of tear tracks, but her cheeks were still rosy, her nose red, and her lips full and swollen All signs evident of the high emotions still churning within them both. She put her hand tentatively on his chest, and he circled her hand with his own, smiling down at her.

With her other hand, Buffy reached over and turned off the faucet, her eyes never leaving his. Then she reached up to touch his cheek softly, reveling in this moment of honesty and bare emotions. He leaned down to her just as she raised up on her tiptoes to him, their lips meeting together again with mutual intent. Her hand slid up behind his head, curling into the hairs at the nape of his neck. He nibbled on her soft lips, while his hand slid down the small of her back, pulling her up close to him. She felt the evidence of his arousal pressing up against her navel.

This time when his mouth left hers it trailed soft kisses along her jaw line. She groaned as his tongue licked at her earlobe. Her fingers pressed into his neck, and she rubbed her body against his. She felt his hot breath as he whispered into her ear with a ragged voice, “Shall we take this upstairs?”

Her knees weakened, and he caught her against him as she wobbled at the feel of his exhalation of breath in her ear. He raised her up to sit on the counter, his lips nibbling at her earlobe before descending down her neck. Her legs circled around him, pulling him in closer. He pressed his hardness up against her, and she groaned, grinding against him.

Giles swiped the counter bare with his hand, sending various papers and condiments flying to the floor. Buffy giggled, but was silenced when his mouth descended onto hers once again. She arched into him, her legs tightening around his waist. Her hands found the hem of his sweater and she reached up and underneath to splay her fingers over his muscled back.

His hands found their way to the hem of her tank top, and he broke away to lift it over her head. One of the spaghetti straps caught on the butterfly clip in her hair, bringing a yelp out of her when he flung the shirt to the floor.

“Are you alright?” His voice cracked and he looked at her with concern, causing her to giggle again.

“I’m perfect, now.” She was with him, and the walls between them had fallen away. Without taking her eyes off of his handsome face, her hands found the bottom of his sweater, and as he had done to her little top, she pulled the sweater up and over his head. No casualties this time, she thought with a smile.

His eyes traveled down her body, taking in every detail: the curve of her collarbone, her breasts with rosy erect nipples, the skin glowing with an ethereal beauty. His eyes rose back up to hers, alight with a more fervent fire, burning hotly for her. He put his hands on her cheeks, cupping her face. His lips lowered again to hers, his tongue teasing the tip of hers, his hands slipping up into her hair. Her hands moved down his stomach, the curly hairs tickling her fingers. Finally they reached their destination, unbuckling the belt he wore. She giggled into his mouth, and pulled back to look down, unloosing it the proper way. "A ha!" she said, smiling up at him. She undid the button and zipper, sliding her hands down the loosened back of his pants, cupping his boxer encased cheeks. A smile still graced her face, and Giles loved her even more.

His pants fell to the floor, and he stood before her clad only in his boxers, which did nothing to hide his desire for her. She hooked her thumbs in the elastic waistband, and pushed them down his hips until they pooled at his feet with his pants. He busied himself undoing the fastenings on her jeans, and at his touch, she raised her hips, allowing him to pull the tight cloth away from her body. He threw them over his shoulder in a careless gesture. They landed on the lamp in the other room, sending it crashing to the floor. "Good Lord," he said, pulling away from her.

"Oh no you don't, Watcher mine. I've got you right where I want you." He turned back to her, smiling, and she said, "Besides, your pants are around your ankles. You trip, and you'll ruin all my fun. C'mere." She smiled into his mouth as they kissed again, and she nibbled on his lip. His hand found her panties moist against his fingertips, and he closed his eyes, wanting nothing more than to rip them away, burying himself within her.

“That’s it.” Giles growled, throwing her over his shoulder. She squealed as he kicked his feet to free his ankles of his pants. It was a bit difficult as he still wore his shoes. Finally he was free and hurriedly carried her up the stairs, throwing her unceremoniously onto the bed. He kicked his shoes off and looked down at her, pausing to take in her beauty.

She fell backward onto her elbows, and with a tip of her head, flipped her hair back behind her with a practiced motion. Watching his eyes, she laid back on the bed, raising her legs until her feet rested apart on the covers, knees pointed toward the ceiling. Never breaking eye contact, she raised her hands to her breasts, cupping them. He could wait no longer, and crawled up the bed to her.

“That’s my job,” he growled, removing her hands and lowering his tongue to her nipples. He sucked in, scraping his teeth around her. “Giles…” she moaned his name and her hands flew around his neck, her body arching up. She wanted to feel his mouth everywhere all at once. Even her toes tingled as his tongue lathed first one breast, and then the other.

He slid her panties down her legs and threw them over his shoulder. He slid a finger into her, and then two. She gasped beneath him, her hips raising up to meet his hand. His thumb teased her as his fingers pumped in and out, and she moaned his name, again and again, eyes closed and hands clenched into fists at her side. She deliberately unclenched her hands, and slid her fingers again into his hair. She raised his head up, bringing his mouth to hers. He kissed her deeply, tongue exploring her mouth. She came suddenly against his hand, and gasped into his mouth.

As her body spasmed beneath him, he crooned her name. “Buffy…” his mouth nibbling at the pulse point in her neck. He ached so much for her, and when his eyes found hers, she held onto him with need and understanding. “Please, Giles, please…now…” Giles pushed her sweat ridden legs apart and positioned himself above her. As he slowly slid his tip in, his eyes burned into hers. “Love…you…” he panted, as her walls contracted all around him.

She gasped beneath him, writhing, as he remained still. He began to move within her slowly, giving her time to adjust to his entry. When he saw in her eyes that she was ready, he increased his speed, thrusting against her. He slid a hand between them and found her still wet, and hot and swollen beneath his fingers. He rubbed her in time with his thrusts, and soon she was screaming his name anew as she came, throbbing around him. He closed his eyes, lost in the moment, pounding into her and against her as he reached his own release. He fell down beside her, and they gasped together; their hearts thudding loudly, audible in the relative silence of the room. She reached out a hand blindly, searching for his. He took her hand in his own, and held it as they lay close together, their sides touching.

After a few breathless moments, Buffy curled herself into him. He cradled her in his arms, placing a light kiss on the top of her head.

“Giles?”

“Hmmm?” His voice was drowsy and more relaxed then she had ever heard it. She opened her eyes and glanced at his face. Gone were the worry lines. Gone was the tension. He looked like a little boy, and her heart swelled.

“Promise you’ll never leave me?” Her voice was that of an insecure, frightened little girl. His arms tightened around her.

“Never.” Again he placed a kiss on the crown of her head. “Buffy, I have been so lost this past year, but tonight, you found me, and in turn, I found myself.”

Buffy turned her face and brushed her lips against his chin. “We found each other tonight, and now that I have you, I’m never letting you go.”

His eyes glowed with desire and mirth. “Promise?”

Her hand reached up to caress his brow. “Promise.”