Giles listened to her feet padding down the hallway, and then down the stairs before he flung back the sheet and climbed out of bed. He found his jeans on the floor and quickly put them on before taking a seat at Buffy’s desk.

Merrick’s lost journal. He could hardly believe his eyes. Why hadn’t she told him she had it all these years? True, they rarely talked about her first Watcher. Giles had learned long ago that it was a painful memory which Buffy did not want dredged up. The Council had been searching for Merrick’s journal for years though. It could have proven helpful to Giles, in particular. Part of him was troubled that she hadn’t trusted him enough to share it before now, and the other part of him was honored that she obviously did today.

Next to Merrick’s diary was a pink, well worn, Buffy diary. His heart made a little flip flop as he ran his fingers over the cover. Here she was as naked before him as she could ever be, with her every thought and word written within these pages. He was torn as to which to open first. Finally he settled on the one of most importance to his heart. Choosing randomly, he lifted the cover and opened a page in Buffy’s diary.

Dear Diary,

Birthdays suck. At least, my birthdays always do. I’ve definitely had worse than this, but it still followed along the lines of badness.

The worst thing about my birthday this year? Giles wasn’t here. Dawn told me he phoned, but I didn’t call him back. It’s just too painful. He left me. He abandoned me. How could he do that after everything I’ve been through, and especially now when he knows where I’ve been?

I’m not going to rehash all of that now. I’ve written pages and pages and pages and pages of that stuff. I know I need to let it all go. I need to let him go. But…I can’t.

I love him so much.

Giles slammed the journal shut. His eyes stung with unshed tears, and his throat was constricting. He got up and lurched into the bathroom grabbing a glass and turning on the faucet. The cool water helped to penetrate his compressed throat. When the glass was empty he set it down by the sink and washed his face with the cool water, cupping it and splashing his brow and eyes. It took him a few more moments to compose himself.

He should have realized there would be many painful things to read in her diary. Is that why she had left them for his perusal? To cause him anguish? To hurt him? No…that didn’t explain why Merrick’s journal was there. Nor did it explain what had transpired between them last night, and the look on her face this morning. She had looked at him with resolve, and tenderness, and love. This was not an act of vengeance or retribution.

Perhaps he would not open the book so randomly next time.

Giles gathered himself and went back to sit behind the desk. This time he turned to the very last entry in Buffy’s diary. It was dated that very morning.

Dear Diary,

As I sit here writing, I can hear the rhythm of his breathing. I keep glancing over my shoulder to make sure it is real. It is real. This is really happening. Giles is sleeping in my bed. We made love. It was sweeter and more romantic than I had ever imagined. For the very first time in my life, ever, I feel whole.

He even sleeps considerately. He doesn’t hog the blankets, and he always had an arm around me, or his hand on mine. I just had to quietly crawl out of the bed to write this moment down. I want to remember it forever.

The morning sun is just beginning to peak through the drapes on my window. The rays are creeping up on the bed, illuminating Giles’s shoulders. The sheet is pulled up over his chest, and his face is tilted towards me. I’ve never seen him so relaxed, or at such peace. I can only hope that means he feels as I do.

I’ve made a decision. I am going to go back to LA. I need to deal. I have to get over the past so that I can move on. Especially now that it appears as if Giles and I are together more than ever. I hope we are. I hope this wasn’t a one time thing. If the things he whispered to me in the night are any indication, this is the beginning of forever, and I am bursting with happiness because of it. It’s time for me to let go of the painful past. It’s time for me to let go of the beginning. I need to say goodbye, forever, to Merrick.
I don’t know how to tell Giles how much Merrick meant to me, without having him realize that what Giles and I have is so much more. I don’t want to hurt him or anything. I know he wouldn’t blame me, but…

I do blame myself. I blame myself for Merrick’s death. He died so that I can live. His death brought me to Sunnydale, and to Giles. Watcher-mine. My Giles. I am grateful, and that feels like a betrayal to Merrick. He died so that I could fight, and perform my duty as a slayer, and not so that I could get all cozy with my new Watcher. Would Merrick be disappointed in me?

I’m not sure I can handle going to LA on my own. I wonder if Giles would go with me? I don’t want the others to know. At least, not now, not yet. Giles would keep my secret, this I know without doubt. But would he come with me? Would he understand?

I don’t know how to talk to him about this. I can talk to him about many things, but not this. Because I feel so guilty.

Giles’s fingers were still shaking. He turned back the pages, reading the entry she had made before they had watched movies last night. He read of her nightmare, and how Merrick’s face had changed into his. He could see her anguish in the words.

He understood.

Giles pulled his shirt on and left Buffy’s bedroom. His bare feet were soundless on the hallway carpet. The house was quiet, indicating that Dawn had already left for school. He went downstairs and found Buffy standing in front of the glass doors facing the back yard. Her face was pensive as he came up from behind and wrapped his arms around her waist, his chin on her shoulder.

“Hmmm,” Buffy gave a happy noise and sunk back into his chest. His arms tightened around her waist and she rested her own arms on his. “Hey.”

“Hey.” He kissed her shoulder then. “Thank you, Buffy.”

“Thank you?”

He nodded against her shoulder. “Yes, thank you, for sharing yourself so completely with me, for loving me, and for trusting me.”

“Ah, that.” She waved her hand in the air. “You make that easy.”

Giles didn’t know what to say to that, so he just smiled and hugged her to himself. “So when shall we leave?” The question was whispered into her ear.

Buffy sighed, grateful for the comfort of his arms around her middle. She felt safer in his arms then anywhere else. “The anniversary of his death is next week. I’d like to be there then, if that’s okay?”

“Certainly, Buffy. We can leave whenever you want. I’ll start making the arrangements today.”

Buffy turned around in his arms, the sun now shining on her back as she reached up to kiss him, her hands wrapping around his neck. “Arrangements later, kisses now.”

He had no intention of arguing with her logic. He deepened the kiss, and moaned when she hopped up to wrap her legs around his waist. Carefully, their mouths locked together, he walked them over to the sofa. Slowly he laid her down, covering her body with his own upon the couch. His mouth left hers to trail slowly down her neck, his tongue savoring her exquisite taste. His hands roamed and he parted her robe so that his fingers could touch her soft skin. He ran his hand up and down her sides, cupping her breast, squeezing it lightly, and then moving it down her side again.

“Giles, god, what you do to me.” Her hands were wrapped around the nape of his neck as her body responded to his touch. Small fires burned within her, and his touch ignited them to a thundering explosion.

His mouth followed his fingertips. He ran his tongue over her nipple, and as it hardened and rose, he cupped his lips around it and sucked. Buffy cried out again and her body arched upwards. He smiled and released her breast, his kisses moving downward until they finally rested at her apex. He tilted his face so that his eyes found hers. Her face was flushed, a thin veil of sweat covered her brow. Her eyes were dark and heavy with want and need. “I love you,” he said, his eyes never quite leaving her face as his tongue flicked over her clit. Buffy’s eyes snapped shut as her body tingled and surged by his ministrations. His hands rested at her hips, and he positioned them under her rear so that he could press her up into his kisses. He felt her throbbing and pulsing all around him as she came.

He gave her a few more tender kisses as she relaxed and then crawled up her body to rest his cheek upon her breasts.

She ran her fingers through his hair, and his eyelids grew droopy. He looked so boyish to Buffy. That look on his face, she had put that there. She smiled at that thought.

“What are you thinking?” His whiskers scraped along the underside of her breast when she spoke, causing her nipple to tighten up again.

“I’m thinking how perfect this moment is right now. I’m thinking I just want to stay here like this, with you, forever.”

He chuckled softly and wrapped his arms around her again. “That would be nice, if it were only possible.”

“Yeah, it would.” Her voice was a little sad at that. She cleared her throat and delved into the next topic. “Did you read Merrick’s journal at all yet?”

He softly kissed the skin between her breasts before answering. “No, not yet. I read several entries in your journal first, and then came to find you. Do you not want me to read it now?” Had she changed her mind about something?

She shook her head. “Oh no, I mean, yes, I want you to read it. I was just wondering.”

“Wondering what?” He had felt her body tense a bit beneath him. What was she troubled about now? His thumbs massaged gentle circles at her hips, soothing her with his touch.

Her voice was quiet. “I was wondering what it said.”
He sat up at that. “What? You mean, you’ve never read it?” She had it all these years and had never read it?

She smiled sadly at him. “At first, it was too painful. I didn’t want to hear his voice in my head. Then, well, I guess my life just got so complicated that I didn’t want to make things worse. Now, sometimes it seems like another lifetime ago.”

His eyes softened and he took one of her hands in his. “I’m honored that you want me to read it.”

Her eyes twinkled at him. “Well, I figured you could just give me the cliff note version later.”

“Uh huh, much later,” he said, as his lips found hers again.