Chapter 1

Dear Diary,

Summers have always been difficult for me. When I was younger, attending high school in Sunnydale, I would spend the summers with my father either in LA, or I’d be in his home alone while he was away on one of his endless business trips. My friends, the Scoobies, thought it was down time. I was away from the Hellmouth, and in some respects, they thought, I was escaping my calling as The Slayer.

They were so wrong.

The summer season is when I grieve for my first Watcher. I grieve for Merrick. In most respects, he was more of a father to me than my real dad ever was.

Merrick is one aspect of my life that I could never discuss with Giles. At first, I didn’t want to share myself in that way with Giles. Merrick and I had a special bond, and I didn’t want to taint it by talking about it. It was too painful. I missed him too much. But then things changed with Giles. Our relationship changed. He was never a father to me, like Merrick. In some respects, he meant more. Giles knew me better than I knew myself, I think. He allowed me to make mistakes. He allowed me to be a child and a slayer. And then he allowed me to be a woman. He trusted me to make the right decisions, and in time, I did.

Now I am a full grown woman. Sunnydale is no more. I am not the lone slayer anymore. It has been two years since we defeated The First, and another summer is upon me. Again, I am having the nightmares. Merrick dies over and over again. I cannot save him. The look in his eyes as I watch him die haunts me. He’s so proud of me, yet I cannot save him. And then, just before he crumples and dies, his face changes, and becomes that of Giles.

That I could not bear. So, I remain silent, because to share these nightmares and memories with Giles makes it all more real.

Buffy closed her diary and replaced it in the locked drawer of her desk. It sat next to an old and battered diary. This worn out journal was the only thing that remained of Merrick. It was his Watcher journal, and Buffy had kept it. The Council had feared it lost or destroyed. She never told. It was the one tangible treasure she had of her first Watcher, and she would never relinquish it. She touched it reverently, running her fingers over the cover before shutting the drawer and locking it.

Downstairs she heard the door open, quickly followed by Xander’s voice. He was teasing Dawn about something. Willow told him to stop, but he didn’t, and soon Dawn’s screech filled the house. Buffy cringed, and with one last look back toward her desk, she left the comfort of her room and headed downstairs.

“Hey, guys.” Buffy gave a little smile to her sister. Dawn was plopped down on the couch with several movies in her lap. Xander and Willow were still arguing over which movie was better: Star Wars, or Raiders Of The Lost Ark. Dawn glanced between the two movies with confusion. She liked them both, but they were to save the best for last. Hence, the argument.

“Buffy, would you please tell Xander that Raiders is so much better than Star Wars!” Willow begged her friend.

“How can you say that, Will? Star Wars was and always will be the King. Besides, it was Harrison Ford’s break out role. Han Solo was so much cooler than Indiana Jones!”

“What?!” Buffy and Willow echoed at the same time. Xander looked at them with a stunned expression on his face. Buffy exhaled and grabbed the movies out of Dawn’s lap, holding up the covers.

“Han Solo was hip and cool in his day. And yes, he was a rakish, handsome devil, but Indiana Jones was way more mature and distinguished.”

“In other words, he was old. Exactly why Han was better.” Xander sat back on his haunches, legs crossed as he sat in the middle of the floor. A proud look now graced his face, as if he had won the argument.

“No, Xander. He’s not old, and Han is not better. It’s precisely the older Harrison that makes Indiana Jones so much more sexier!”

“I agree.” Willow smiled at Buffy and grabbed Star Wars to put it in the DVD player. “So, Raiders is last then, since we are saving the best.”

Xander was flummoxed. He opened his mouth but no sounds came out.

“You better not start the movie before Giles gets here, Willow, or he’ll be cranky.” Dawn chirped up.

“Yeah, and we know we don’t want a cranky Watcher on our hands.” Xander joked. “Where is G-Man anyways?”

“I’m not starting it, I’m just getting it ready.” Willow answered. “He should be here any minute. He was picking up the pizza.”

“Oh, pizza! Why didn’t you say so?!” Xander rubbed his hands together and licked his lips. “That changes everything.”

Buffy had sunk back into the sofa cushions, quiet and aloof. She couldn’t get her mind off of Merrick. Yet, she was afraid to sleep because she knew he would frequent her nightmares. Her eyes glanced over to the calendar hanging on the wall. Two weeks until the anniversary. Buffy knew each night would get worse until the day of his death. When it passed, then her nights would return to normal.

That had been one positive about her summers away from Sunnydale when she was younger and staying with her dad. She was alone, and had no need to hide her morose moods nor nightmare infested evenings from her friends or Watcher. Now they were around all the time, and she knew they sensed that she was off. It was just a matter of days before one or all of them confronted her about it. Especially Giles. He had already given her concerned looks. Buffy just didn’t want to face any of it.

Perhaps a trip back to LA was in order. She could be alone, and she could re-visit some of the places her and Merrick had marked in their time together. In fact, thought Buffy, maybe visiting the place where he was killed would help to banish the nightmares all together. In all these years, Buffy had never returned to that awful setting. Perhaps that was the key?

The door opened taking Buffy out of her reverie. She hadn’t even noticed that the room had grown quiet. Xander and Willow and Dawn had all been looking at her, waiting for her to answer some question Willow had thrown at her. But she had been so lost in thought she hadn’t noticed nor heard Willow‘s question. All heads turned toward Giles, however, when he came in holding two pizza boxes and juggling two jugs of root beer. “Some help, please?” he grizzled.

Xander leapt up to take the pizza boxes from him.

Buffy got up without a word and went into the kitchen to gather plates and cups and napkins. She was quick about it, and before long they were all huddled in the living room to enjoy the movies.

Giles frequently sent covert glances Buffy’s way, but she seemed transfixed on the movie. Something was bothering her. He was certain of that. When Star Wars ended, Buffy gathered up the dirty dishes and took them into the kitchen as Xander prepared Raiders. Giles snatched up the now empty pizza boxes and followed his slayer into the kitchen.

“You alright?” Giles gave Buffy a concerned look as he helped her put the dishes into the sink.

There was a time when Buffy would have made a delightful little pun, or told a little white lie to her watcher, telling him she was “right as rain” or even just “fine.” Even then she was wise enough to know that Giles saw through her façade. Now she was more mature, and was tired of lies and silence. However, when it came to this subject matter, she had no words.

Instead, she took the last dish and placed it in the sink, not meeting his eyes. “I will be.” He frowned but didn’t press her further. Only then did she look up at him, her face wearing a grim smile. “We better get back in there. Wouldn’t want to miss any of the movie.” She turned and left the kitchen, but he stayed for a moment, watching her back. Why wouldn’t she open up to him? Were they not past all the mistrusting?

Her head popped back around the corner of the kitchen. “Aren’t you coming?” He nodded and gave her a little smile. When they entered the living room he noticed a seating shift had occurred. Xander was now sprawled on the floor, and for some reason Dawn had decided on Giles’s chair. Willow was in the far left hand corner of the sofa, and patted the middle space for Buffy. That left one seat remaining, on the right side of the sofa. Giles carefully lowered himself beside Buffy. She gave him a friendly smile as Xander started the movie.

This position made it much more difficult for Giles to watch Buffy without being noticed. Having her so close distracted him.

When the last movie came to a close, Buffy was the first to stand up and excuse herself to her room. She didn’t even wait for Xander and Willow to leave. “Dawn, don’t stay up too late.” Then she ran upstairs to bed, a frown gracing her face.

Xander put the DVD back in it’s box and groused to Giles. “What’s up with her lately?” He nodded toward the stairs where Buffy had just exited. Dawn just shrugged. Giles was also looking at the stairs, a troubled expression on his face.

Willow glanced between Giles and Dawn and then slowly stood up. “I’m sure she’ll tell us when she’s ready. Come on Xander, let’s go.”

“But,” Xander began, but Willow held up a hand to silence him. “Come on Xander. It’s late. I’m sure Dawn and Giles want to get some sleep as well.” She fought off her own yawn and trudged over to open the door, motioning to Xander to hurry up.

“Fine, but I thought all the secrets were behind all of us now.” Xander grumbled the entire way out of the house, but Willow just rolled her eyes at his back and then gave Dawnie and Giles a little wave. “Gnight!”

Dawn helped Giles gather up the living room and then with a yawn, went to bed herself. Giles was restless, however. Buffy’s mood lately concerned him. It was disturbing that she seemed to be cutting herself off from her family. He decided to spend some time looking through some old Watcher Journals in the den for a couple of more hours.

It didn’t really take that long before he was yawning himself. Zacharia’s journal was dry and boring. The man had no imagination, and was not one for vivid detail. Giles decided he’d turn in himself. He washed out his tea cup and headed upstairs. As he padded down the hall toward his own room he heard something behind Buffy’s door. Was she crying? He pressed his ear to the hard wooden door and heard her cry out. “No, Giles, no! Not Giles.” She was having a nightmare! He hesitated for only a moment more before her anguished cry forced him to open her door. He quickly shut it behind him and went over to her bed, sinking in a chair and placing his hands gently on her face. “Buffy? Wake up, it’s only a nightmare. Buffy?”

Buffy felt his touch and immediately came out of the horrific nightmare to see the subject of her misery looking at her with disquiet concentration. “Giles!” She threw her arms around his neck and held him tightly.

Surprised, Giles stiffened for only a moment before hugging her back, soothing her with words, running his fingers down her neck. “It’s okay. You’re safe. Shhh, Buffy.”

They stayed that way for a few moments, until Buffy pulled back to look at him closely. She ran her own fingers down his cheek. “You’re safe. That’s what matters, Giles, you’re safe. I was so scared. If anything ever happened to you…” Tears slowly fell out of the corner of her eyes.

Giles was moved and shocked. Never before had she touched him like this, looked at him like this, or expressed herself in this manner. “Buffy? What was this nightmare? Do you want to tell me about it?”

Buffy shook her head. “No. I can’t.” Still she didn’t stop looking at him in a way that made his heart race and his insides turn to jelly. That look burned a hole in his soul. “Buffy?”

She leaned in and softly brushed her pouting lips against his. He froze, her hair still captured in his fingers. When he felt the tip of her tongue running over his lips he couldn’t’ help himself. He moaned and parted his lips, giving her tongue access. She flicked her tongue in, the tip of it fluttering against his own. His hands tightened in her hair as he deepened the kiss. It was one of those soul crashing kisses that one never forgets; both of their hearts pounding, and everything and everyone forgotten except for the flavors of one another, the heat, and the churning emotions.

Eventually they broke the kiss. They were both breathing heavily, and Giles was more than confused. Buffy still gazed at him with intent and, was that longing? He opened his mouth to speak but Buffy placed a finger over his mouth. “Shhh, no words, Giles. Please, just hold me? Make love to me? I need you so much. I want you so much?”

He could never resist that look in her eyes. Never, and frankly, his body didn’t want him to. He ached for her. Her hands moved around his neck again, holding him close, pressing her cheek against his. He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, but there was no use. He had wanted her for too long. He couldn’t deny her, and he couldn’t deny himself. His eyes opened, and his vision was greeted with her soft breast showing through her thin white cotton t-shirt she had worn to bed. Her nipple budded up, begging for him. He lowered his head and licked at it through the material. Buffy gripped the back of his head tighter, holding his hot mouth against her. She arched up with a groan. “Giles…ah…please…” He scraped his teeth over the hardened bud, then again flicked at it with his tongue.

Her hands began to roam down his back, pressing him into the bed. He had to change his position. He had to get closer. He raised up off of the bed and climbed up beside her. She smiled and their mouths melted into each other again.
Her fingers found the bottom of his shirt and she raised it up his back, pulling it over his head. She gasped as his mouth released her breast so that he could help her with his shirt. Once he was divested of it, he gazed down at her again. Her eyes were full of desire and want. She smiled at him, giving him permission. With shaking fingers he pulled the t-shirt up over her head. Now she lay beneath him with only the barest of panties covering her. His eyes roamed her chest and waist. “So beautiful,” he whispered.

His mouth found her breasts again, suckling and tasting. Buffy moaned his name again, over and over, as she squirmed beneath him. As his mouth worked her nipples and the valley between her breasts, his hands roamed down her waist and dipped into her panties between her legs. He first pressed his palm over her mound.

“Giles!” She practically screamed his name at the pressure, arching herself off of the bed against him. His hand was trapped between her wet opening, and his rock hard manhood, still trapped in his jeans. She pulled his head up to devour his mouth again. As their tongues mated, he pushed a finger inside of her slick opening. She was so ready for him, and he couldn’t hold back much longer. Her fingernails scraped down his back, causing him to shiver. “Buffy,” his voice was muffled and hoarse as he broke the kiss. He rolled over onto his side and quickly pulled down his jeans and boxers, now lying bare beside her. His eyes met hers again as his fingers took a hold of her lace panties and pulled them down.

He swallowed, his hands still shaking as he pulled himself around to cover her. “Are you sure?” he asked one final time.

“Never more sure.” Buffy whispered, wrapping her arms around him. Without taking his eyes off of her flushed face, he gently pressed himself into her. She bucked against him, urging him in farther. He groaned and pressed his face against her shoulder. She surrounded him, hot and wet and tight. He pulled himself out slowly, and then pounded back into her.

“Giles!” He loved when she screamed his name like that, full of passion and need. He increased his thrusts, and she matched him each time, taking him deeper and deeper. Soon he felt her entire body stiffen as she came, his names still on her lips. His seed spilled into her moments later, “Ahhh, Buffy…” his voice a strangled cry in her ear.

Her hands moved up and down his back, soothing him as they came down together. He moved his forehead against hers, his eyes tightly closed. He was still buried deep within her, and slowly went to roll off of her, but she stopped him.

“No, Giles. Please, rest in me.”

So he did.

* * *

The next morning Giles awakened lying on his side, and Buffy was looking at him intently. When she saw his eyes opened, she gave him a gentle smile and rubbed her nose softly against his own.

Ah, he thought, no regrets then. He smiled lovingly back at her and cupped her cheek with his hand.

“Good morning, luv.” He whispered, dropping a small kiss on her lips. Before it could build into something more Buffy pulled back. He looked at her confusedly for a moment, but she just smiled again.

“Giles, I have something to show you. It’s kind of about the nightmare I had last night.” She got up from the bed slowly and took two steps over to her desk. Giles continued to lie on his side, not moving, just watching her. She was glorious in the morning sunshine, as the light caught her blonde hair giving her a halo effect. Her skin was golden, and he felt himself stiffen for her all over again. He watched her reach over to a small box, open it, and take out a key. Then she bent and unlocked the long drawer, pulling it open. She didn’t remove anything, however. She just left it open and sat the key on the desk. Then she went over to her closet and pulled on her robe, speaking to him as she went.

“There are two diaries in their I want you to read. That will be easier then telling you…everything. I’m going to go downstairs and make Dawn breakfast, and when you are ready, I’ll be there waiting for you.” She slipped on the robe and stood there by her door looking down on him.

“Giles, last night meant everything to me. And I hope after you read my journal, and Merrick’s journal, you’ll understand me more.”

At the mention of Merrick’s journal he sat up. “Merrick’s lost journal?”

Buffy glanced sharply at him. “Yes, I had it in LA with my stuff at dad’s house. After Sunnydale was wiped out, I sent for it. Please, after you read them, it will all make sense. Then we’ll need to talk. Okay?” Her eyes pleaded with him to ask no more. He merely nodded and watched her leave the room.