Chapter 3

Giles slowly walked up the path to his house, passing by the horse barn on the way. He had made good time driving back from the airport. Truth be told, he had driven so recklessly at times he was lucky to have arrived in one piece. As he walked past the barn, he heard voices inside. It sounded as if Xander and Willow were arguing. He paused for a moment, trying to decide whether he should interfere, or ignore them and continue in to the house. But hearing the venom in Xander’s voice when he mentioned Spike’s name decided him. Giles reached out and slowly opened the door, but didn’t enter. Willow and Xander were in such a state with each other, that they didn’t even notice his approach.

“Of course you won’t understand, Xander. You never liked Spike. You’ve never liked anyone with Buffy, for that matter. And he went and got his soul for her!”

“Angel had a soul, and look how that turned out? I’ll never understand her, Willow. Spike tried to rape her. RAPE HER. How could she forgive him like she did? How could she even stand to look at him?”

“What did you say?”

Giles’ voice penetrated the air with hardly a sound. It was still, and quiet, and violent all at the same time. Giles stepped further into the barn. “Tell me what you just said, Xander!”

It was a command. Xander swallowed, and looked at Willow. Willow took a step towards Giles with a soothing hand held out in supplication. “It’s okay, Giles.” Willow glowered at Xander, as if to say, “Now look what you’ve done.”

But Giles would not be put off so easily. He briskly walked up to Xander and grabbed his arm none to gently. “Tell me!”

Willow tried to pull Giles’ grip off of Xander, but she was no match for his wrath. Xander steadied himself under Giles’ gaze, and stood up straight. Giles was an ally, after all, he thought. “Before you came back to Sunnydale, before Willow went all dark, Spike tried to rape Buffy.”

“But he didn’t, Xander.” Willow tried to be the voice of reason.

Giles let go of Xander, and slumped down on the bench in defeat, gesturing for Xander to continue.

“I went in to the house to find Buffy. I guess she had been hurt pretty bad in a fight, but as I came in, I noticed Spike’s jacket on the stairs. I went upstairs and found Buffy in the bathroom. She was hurt and crying. It was pretty obvious to me what had happened, and Buffy admitted what Spike had tried to do.”

“Why didn’t any of you tell me this before?” Giles asked.

“We thought Buffy would.”

Xander sat down beside Giles, close to him but not touching him. “Maybe you can explain to me, Giles, how Buffy could forgive him. How can she go to him now? How did she accept him so readily before with the First and all that? I just don’t get it.”

Willow answered instead. “Like I’ve been telling Xander, Spike knows he was wrong, and he went and got his soul. He’s tried to make amends. If Buffy can forget it, then so should we!” The fire flashed in her eyes, and her resolve face took shape.

Giles remained silent for some time. Finally, he stood. “I think we should have some tea.” They followed him in to the house.

As Giles made the tea, his thoughts were in turmoil. Had these past few weeks been all a lie? He had thought Buffy and he were past lies, and hiding the truth from each other. He thought they were closer then ever before. But to know that she had kept this from him the entire time hurt, especially since Buffy had returned to LA. It all really cut him to the quick.

He also blamed himself. If he had been there, perhaps he could have protected her more.

He poured the tea into three cups, placed them on a tray with some biscuits, and carried them out to Willow and Xander at the dining room table.

“Where is Andrew?” he asked as he handed out the cups.

“He’s staying at James’s house tonight.” James was Andrew’s new friend. They had met in London one afternoon when the gang had been on a shopping spree, and now Andrew spent all his free time with him. He wasn’t missed, truth be known. Giles nodded, thankful that the boy was absent.

“What are you thinking, Giles?” Willow braved to ask.

Giles sighed heavily, and sipped his tea. It was a moment before he responded. For once, Xander was uncharacteristically quiet. Giles then looked pointedly at them both. “Well, for one, I still can’t understand why neither of you told me of this before. Especially back in Sunnydale, when Spike was around, getting his chip taken out. It seems to me that the fact that he had attacked Buffy earlier would be relevant information for me.”

Xander started to speak in agreement, but Willow elbowed him. Giles glared at her, and then removed his glasses to polish the lenses, as was his nervous habit.

“Okay, Giles, I’m going to try and not ramble here, and I think I should be the one to talk to you about this and not Xander since he’s biased.”

“I’m not…” Wham, Willow elbowed him again. “Hey, that hurt!” he grumbled as he rubbed his arm.

“You are too, Xander. Biased. You never liked Spike.” Both Willow and Xander thought of Anya then, but neither thought it wise to mention that particular incident to the Watcher. Willow hesitated because she didn’t want to cause Xander any painful memories, and Xander didn’t mention it, because he didn’t want to have any painful memories.

“Be that as it may, Willow, please do go on.” Giles replaced his glasses and sipped at his tea, trying to calm himself.

Willow sat for a moment, trying to gather her thoughts. Finally, she turned her face back to meet the Watcher’s stare. “Giles, like we said earlier, it was Buffy’s place to tell you, not ours. And I don’t think even Buffy understood everything that was going on with her and Spike. She felt guilty that he went and got his soul for her, even though she knew it wasn’t her fault or anything. And Giles, Buffy and I only ever discussed it all once. Not too long ago, in fact, since we’ve been here. I knew that you didn’t know about what Spike had done, so I asked her why she hadn’t told you. She got really quiet, and said it was because she didn’t want to hurt you, and that she was afraid you’d blame her.”

“What? Blame her? I’d never…it wasn’t her fault! Bloody Hell.” Willow placed her hand over Giles’ hand that was wrapped around his cup. “Giles, I know this, but she was confused. She was scared of losing what you two have now. And she figured that Spike was gone, and it was now all in the past.”

“I still don’t get how she could get over it so easily.” Xander snorted.

“She didn’t, Xander, but she said something once, something that Giles had taught her.”

“Something I taught her?” Giles glanced sharply at her, confused.

“Yes. She told me that you and her had talked about forgiveness once, and that you told her that ‘To forgive is an act of compassion and it's not done because people deserve it, it's done because they need it.’”

Giles bowed his head and was silent, recalling that conversation so long ago.

Willow continued, “Buffy knew Spike needed forgiveness, and compassion. But even more so, Buffy needed it. And with everything going on with The First, she didn’t want to dwell on it all then. She just wanted to concentrate on saving the world again. And now, afterwards, with everything Spike had done, she just wanted to move past it. She figured he had made his amends, and he deserved to be remembered for saving the world, and not for trying to hurt her.” They all stared into their teacups in silence for a moment.

“And if anyone knows about not deserving forgiveness, it’s me.” Willow whispered.

“You are nothing like Spike!” Xander shouted in anger. But Willow remained calm and quiet. “No, I’m not. I’m worse. I tried to destroy the entire world, Xander. Spike was confused, and….yes, he was evil and there is no excuse for what he tried to do to Buffy. But he didn’t have a soul at the time. I did. Yet, you all forgive me. None of it makes sense to any of us, but it’s what we do. We go on. And that’s what Buffy needs to figure out now. She needs to figure out what to do now, and what she needs, and what she deserves. We should stay out of it, and just support her. That’s what friends do, Xander.”

Xander began to protest, but Giles cut him off. “Willow is right.” He stood up and gathered up the dishes. “Now, it’s late, and it’s been a long day. I’m going to turn in.” He dropped the dishes off in the kitchen, and left them to their own thoughts.

Sleep would not come for him that night.

Chapter 4